One Million Years B.C. (1966)
October 29th, 2006
I’ve been known to say I like all movies, but this one has got me beat.
I wanted to review it along with Quest for Fire for a caveman theme but pretty soon I was fast-forwarding like crazy, scanning for monster battles and woo-woo shots of Raquel Welch in her fur bikini.
As far as I could tell from my quick tour, the plot is like this:
The dark-haired people of the Rock tribe live in a cave. They are very primitive and they fight over their food like animals. They’re so mean that they leave this old man to die in a pit.
Two brothers fight and one of them is cast out. I didn’t catch his name but he looks like Moses. This might be one of the themes of the movie, two brothers fighting. It’s in the Bible.
Moses is attacked by a giant iguana. He gets away.
Then he gets attacked by a brontosaurus and a giant spider, but he gets away. Pretty soon he arrives at the land of the surfer beach people. They’re all blonde and gorgeous.
Here’s the top surfer beach babe played by Raquel Welch. I didn’t catch her name so I’ll just call her Buffy.
The beach people get attacked by a giant turtle. I hate to say it, but using actual animals for monsters doesn’t work. Anybody can see it’s just a turtle. They don’t even speed him up very much so it’s a pretty slow battle.
Buffy and her buds go for a swim. Hubba-hubba!
Then this dinosaur thing attacks and Moses kills it.
Buffy likes Moses a lot so when he leaves, she tags along.
They get attacked by a couple of giant dinosaurs, but it’s ok because the dinosaurs start fighting each other. The triceratops wins.
Pretty soon they get to the cave where the rock people live. Buffy gets in a cat fight with one of the dark-haired rock chicks, rowr! (I didn’t catch her name so I’ll just call her Alanis.)
Buffy wins but she doesn’t kill Alanis. That’s because it is her destiny to teach the rock people to be nice and not kill each other and stuff. This is another one of the themes of the movie.
Then everybody heads for the beach but on the way Buffy gets carried off by a giant pterodactyl.
Things look pretty bad for Buffy but another pterodactyl comes along and they start fighting. This is another one of the themes of the movie: If you get attacked by something, just hang on for awhile and pretty soon something else will attack it. Then you can probably get away.
I’m not sure what happens in the end but I think the tribes live together in harmony on the beach.
I won’t be watching this one again! But I might still watch Quest for Fire.
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